'Salut! Sunderland' - the Mackem website - can reveal they are on a mission to track down Bruce, who is allegedly hiding from the Sunderland abuse up in the Orkney Islands.
And they wonder: "Do television signals for Newcastle United games reach Orkney?"
'Salut! Sunderland':-
Forget world conflicts, the euro crisis, Liam Fox and the trial of Michael Jackson’s doctor. You’ve had the Arab Spring. This is the Mackem Autumn. After years of loyal if at times critical support, Sixer has travelled undercover (under cover, that is, of thermal underwear, several layers of clothing and waterproofs) to Orkney.
His task: to find a safe haven for Steve Bruce whose exile from the Stadium of Light is reported by mischief-makers to be imminent.
Orkney consists of 70 islands. Even so, it has not been easy finding somewhere suitable.
Not everyone wants a deposed dictator around. Will enemies pursue him to the islanders’ peaceable community? Will he spend his time there scheming a comeback? What about the need for impenetrable vaults to accommodate the Payoff, a traditional reward for underachievement in English football.
Can Orkney pass these tests. And will Bruce he contented enough, far from home(s), to pose no threat or nuisance? Do television signals for Newcastle United games reach Orkney?
When last seen, Sixer was heading northwards from the “frenzy of North-eastern football” and had under his arm a copy of Great Expectations.
He has already checked library shelves for any sign of Bruce’s three novels, Striker, Sweeper and Defender ( a fourth, No Striker, is due out soon and speculation about a possible Scottish islands hideaway grew when literary sources said the author might choose a pseudonym derived from the origins of the Bruce clan, de Brus or de Bruis).
Sixer’s solitary subsequent SMS, thought to have been written in code, said only: “Horizontal rain in Kirkwall.”
But insiders say his researches will take him to any or all of the following small islands: Shapinsay, Gairsay, Stronsay, Wyre, Rousay, Egilsay, Eday, Sanday, Westray, Papa Westray, North Ronaldsay, Graemsay, Hoy, South Walls, Burray, Flotta and South Ronaldsay.
To throw off suspicion, he’ll resurface in time for the Reebok and offer polite applause as Bruce takes his place in the dugout. He may not be able to suppress an angry reaction at 10 to 5 but this, too, is seen as part of an elaborate plot to act normally.
Only time will tell what will happen after that.
Hamish Blair
Saturday 22nd October 2011
Wolverhampton Wanderers v Swansea City 12:45
Aston Villa v West Bromwich Albion 15:00
Bolton Wanderers v Sunderland 15:00
Newcastle United v Wigan Athletic 15:00
Liverpool v Norwich City 17:30
Sunday 23rd October 2011
Arsenal v Stoke City 13:30
Fulham v Everton 13:30
Manchester United v Manchester City 13:30
Blackburn Rovers v Tottenham Hotspur 15:00
Queens Park Rangers v Chelsea 16:00
THE TOON BOOK FOR XMAS - "MAGPIES IN EUROPE"
£9.99 Available From:
NEWCASTLE-UPON-TYNE
M&M News; 140 Northumberland St.
One Stop News; 44 Blackett St.
Blackwell Bookshop; 141 Percy St.
The Back Page; 56 St Andrews St.
Gallowgate News, Percy St.
CHESTER-LE-STREET
The Bookcase; 131 Front St
SPENNYMOOR
The Flower Shop, Front St.
ONLINE:
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"Magpies In Europe" is available NOW! It features match reports and individual features from Toon fans on the 60 'away' trips Newcastle have made in Europe. Sports Journalist Richie Everson: "At last a book that the fabulous Newcastle United fans can relate to. It's informative, all the facts and figures are there, plus the 120 match reports from all the fixtures ... but it is the articles by the supporters that amazed me. "I went to many of those games, and this is the only book I can honestly say 'hits the nail on the head'! "Yes we know the results and the scorers, but some of the facts in this book had me so wrapped up in it I couldn't put it down. "Was Benny Arentoft cup-tied when he played in the final? Big Wyn and his battle with John McGrath; McFaul scoring a penalty when the crowd had gone home; the trouble in Palermo; it is all amazing stuff. "I would honestly give this book 10 out of 10." The book is available NOW from THE BACK PAGE!
NEWCASTLE UNITED 20011/12
PREMIER LEAGUE
NEWCASTLE 2 SPURS 2 (Ba, Ameobi)
Krul, Simpson (Santon 77), Steven Taylor, Coloccini, Ryan Taylor, Obertan, Cabaye, Tiote, Gutierrez, Best (Shola Ameobi 71), Ba (Ben Arfa 71).
Subs Not Used: Elliot, Lovenkrands, Gosling, Marveaux.
WOLVES 1 NEWCASTLE 2 (Ba, Gutierrez)
Krul, Simpson, Steven Taylor, Coloccini, Ryan Taylor, Obertan (Marveaux 90), Cabaye (Guthrie 89), Tiote, Gutierrez, Best, Ba (Lovenkrands 71).
Subs Not Used: Elliot, Santon, Ben Arfa, Sammy Ameobi.
NEWCASTLE 3 BLACKBURN 1 (Ba 3)
Krul, Simpson, Steven Taylor, Coloccini, Ryan Taylor, Obertan, Cabaye, Tiote, Gutierrez (Marveaux 84), Ba (Ben Arfa 74), Best.
Subs Not Used: Harper, Guthrie, Lovenkrands, Perch, Sammy Ameobi.
ASTON VILLA 1 NEWCASTLE 1 (Best)
Krul, Simpson, Steven Taylor, Coloccini, Ryan Taylor, Obertan, Cabaye, Tiote, Gutierrez (Sammy Ameobi 85), Best (Shola Ameobi 69), Ba (Marveaux 80).
Subs Not Used: Elliot, Guthrie, Lovenkrands, Perch.
QPR 0 NEWCASTLE 0
Krul, Simpson, Steven Taylor, Coloccini, Ryan Taylor, Obertan (Sammy Ameobi 88), Cabaye, Tiote, Gutierrez, Best (Marveaux 82), Shola Ameobi (Ba 64).
Subs Not Used: Elliot, Santon, Guthrie, Lovenkrands.
NEWCASTLE 2 FULHAM 1 (Best 2)
Krul, Simpson, Steven Taylor, Coloccini, Ryan Taylor, Lovenkrands (Ba 62), Cabaye, Tiote, Gutierrez, Obertan, Best (Vuckic 78), Vuckic (Smith 85).
Subs Not Used: Soderberg, Marveaux, Sammy Ameobi, Ferguson.
SUNDERLAND 0 NEWCASTLE UTD 1 (R Taylor)
Krul, Simpson, Steven Taylor, Coloccini, Ryan Taylor, Tiote, Cabaye (Williamson 85), Barton, Obertan (Gosling 85), Gutierrez, Shola Ameobi.
Subs Not Used: Harper, Lovenkrands, Ba, Best, Marveaux.
NEWCASTLE 0 ARSENAL 0
Krul, Coloccini, Steven Taylor, Ryan Taylor, Simpson, Barton, Cabaye (Lovenkrands 81), Tiote, Gutierrez, Shola Ameobi (Best 73), Ba (Obertan 46).
Subs Not Used: Forster, Williamson, Gosling, Sammy Ameobi.
CARLING CUP
NOTTINGHAM FOR. 3 NEWCASTLE 4 (AET) Lovenkrands 2, Simpson, Coloccini
Elliot, Simpson, Coloccini, Perch, Ferguson, Abeid, Guthrie, Gosling (Shola Ameobi 70), Marveaux, Ben Arfa (Sammy Ameobi 70), Lovenkrands (Obertan 80).
Subs Not Used: Krul, Best, Dummett, Henderson.
SCUNTHORPE 1 NEWCASTLE 2 AET (R Taylor, Sammy Ameobi)
Krul, Simpson, Coloccini, Williamson (Steven Taylor 45), Ryan Taylor, Marveaux, Gosling (Vuckic 70), Cabaye, Lovenkrands, Best, Ba (Sammy Ameobi 65).
Subs Not Used: Soderberg, Abeid, Smith, Ferguson.
PRE-SEASON FIXTURES
NEWCASTLE 0 FIORENTINA 0
(Ab 63 mins)
Krul (Forster 46), Simpson, S Taylor, Coloccini, Enrique, Gosling (Ba 46), Cabaye, Vuckic, Jonas (Marveaux 46) Lovenkrands (R Taylor 61), Best (Shola Ameobi 46).Subs: Sammy Ameobi, Ranger, Tavernier, Williamson.
LEEDS UTD 3 NEWCASTLE 2 (S.Taylor, Vuckic)
Forster, Cabaye, Williamson, Barton, Simpson, Gosling, Gutierrez, Ba, Shola Ameobi, Taylor, Tavernier. Subs: Krul, Taylor, Best, Vuckic, Sammy Ameobi, Dummett.
COLUMBUS CREW 0 NEWCASTLE 3 (Ameobi, Coloccini, Vuckic)
Harper; Tavernier, S Taylor, Coloccini (Dummett, 54), Enrique; Gutierrez (Abeid, 85), Tiote (Smith, 62), Gosling, Marveaux (Vuckic, 76); Ameobi (Best, 75), Ba. Subs not used: Forster, Krul.
ORLANDO CITY 1 NEWCASTLE 0
Forster; R Taylor (Enrique, 26), S Taylor, Coloccini, Tavernier; Gosling (Vuckic, 71), Smith (Abeid, 74), Tiote, Gutierrez; Best (Ba, 74), Lovenkrands (Ameobi, 74). Subs not used: Krul, Harper.
SPORTING KANSAS 0 NEWCASTLE 0
Krul, Gosling, Coloccini, S Taylor, R Taylor, Marveaux (Tavernier 46), Tiote (Abeid 46), Ben Arfa, Gutierrez, Ba (Best 72), Lovenkrands (Smith 46).
DARLINGTON 0 NEWCASTLE 2 (Barton, Sammy Ameobi)
Forster; Simpson (Dummett), S Taylor (Tavernier), Williamson (Henderson), Ferguson (R Taylor); Barton (Abeid), Guthrie (Cabaye, Donaldson), Smith (Gosling), Vuckic (Sammy Ameobi); Ben Arfa (Richardson), Best (Ranger). Subs not used: Soderberg, Newton.